Shakespeare Portal

Act 3, Scene 2

A Room in OLIVIA'S House.

  1. [Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK, and FABIAN.]
  2. Sir Andrew Aguecheek
  3. 1240 No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.
  4. Sir Toby Belch
  5. 1241 Thy reason, dear venom: give thy reason.
  6. Fabian
  7. 1242 You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.
  8. Sir Andrew Aguecheek
  9. 1243 Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the count's
  10. 1244 servingman than ever she bestowed upon me; I saw't i' the
  11. 1245 orchard.
  12. Sir Toby Belch
  13. 1246 Did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.
  14. Sir Andrew Aguecheek
  15. 1247 As plain as I see you now.
  16. Fabian
  17. 1248 This was a great argument of love in her toward you.
  18. Sir Andrew Aguecheek
  19. 1249 'Slight! will you make an ass o' me?
  20. Fabian
  21. 1250 I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment
  22. 1251 and reason.
  23. Sir Toby Belch
  24. 1252 And they have been grand jurymen since before Noah was a
  25. 1253 sailor.
  26. Fabian
  27. 1254 She did show favour to the youth in your sight only to
  28. 1255 exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to put fire in
  29. 1256 your heart and brimstone in your liver. You should then have
  30. 1257 accosted her; and with some excellent jests, fire-new from the
  31. 1258 mint, you should have banged the youth into dumbness. This was
  32. 1259 looked for at your hand, and this was baulked: the double gilt of
  33. 1260 this opportunity you let time wash off, and you are now sailed
  34. 1261 into the north of my lady's opinion; where you will hang like an
  35. 1262 icicle on Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by some
  36. 1263 laudable attempt either of valour or policy.
  37. Sir Andrew Aguecheek
  38. 1264 And't be any way, it must be with valour: for policy I
  39. 1265 hate; I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician.
  40. Sir Toby Belch
  41. 1266 Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of
  42. 1267 valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight with him; hurt
  43. 1268 him in eleven places; my niece shall take note of it: and assure
  44. 1269 thyself there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in
  45. 1270 man's commendation with woman than report of valour.
  46. Fabian
  47. 1271 There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.
  48. Sir Andrew Aguecheek
  49. 1272 Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?
  50. Sir Toby Belch
  51. 1273 Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief; it is
  52. 1274 no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention;
  53. 1275 taunt him with the licence of ink; if thou 'thou'st' him some
  54. 1276 thrice, it shall not be amiss; and as many lies as will lie in
  55. 1277 thy sheet of paper, although the sheet were big enough for the
  56. 1278 bed of Ware in England, set 'em down; go about it. Let there be
  57. 1279 gall enough in thy ink; though thou write with a goose-pen, no
  58. 1280 matter. About it.
  59. Sir Andrew Aguecheek
  60. 1281 Where shall I find you?
  61. Sir Toby Belch
  62. 1282 We'll call thee at the cubiculo. Go.
  63. [Exit SIR ANDREW.]
  64. Fabian
  65. 1283 This is a dear manakin to you, Sir Toby.
  66. Sir Toby Belch
  67. 1284 I have been dear to him, lad; some two thousand strong, or so.
  68. Fabian
  69. 1285 We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll not deliver it.
  70. Sir Toby Belch
  71. 1286 Never trust me then; and by all means stir on the youth
  72. 1287 to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them
  73. 1288 together. For Andrew, if he were opened and you find so much
  74. 1289 blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the
  75. 1290 rest of the anatomy.
  76. Fabian
  77. 1291 And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great
  78. 1292 presage of cruelty.
  79. [Enter MARIA.]
  80. Sir Toby Belch
  81. 1293 Look where the youngest wren of nine comes.
  82. Maria
  83. 1294 If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into
  84. 1295 stitches, follow me: yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very
  85. 1296 renegado; for there is no Christian, that means to be saved by
  86. 1297 believing rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages of
  87. 1298 grossness. He's in yellow stockings.
  88. Sir Toby Belch
  89. 1299 And cross-gartered?
  90. Maria
  91. 1300 Most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a school i' the
  92. 1301 church.—I have dogged him like his murderer. He does obey every
  93. 1302 point of the letter that I dropped to betray him. He does smile
  94. 1303 his face into more lines than is in the new map, with the
  95. 1304 augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such a thing as
  96. 1305 'tis; I can hardly forbear hurling things at him. I know my lady
  97. 1306 will strike him; if she do, he'll smile and take't for a great
  98. 1307 favour.
  99. Sir Toby Belch
  100. 1308 Come, bring us, bring us where he is.
  101. [Exeunt.]