Act 2, Scene 5

OLIVIA'S garden.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK, and FABIAN.]
Sir Toby Belch
913 Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.
Fabian
914 Nay, I'll come; if I lose a scruple of this sport let me be
915 boiled to death with melancholy.
Sir Toby Belch
916 Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally
917 sheep-biter come by some notable shame?
Fabian
918 I would exult, man; you know he brought me out o' favour
919 with my lady about a bear-baiting here.
Sir Toby Belch
920 To anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will fool
921 him black and blue:—shall we not, Sir Andrew?
Sir Andrew Aguecheek
922 An we do not, it is pity of our lives.
[Enter MARIA.]
Sir Toby Belch
923 Here comes the little villain:—How now, my nettle of India?
Maria
924 Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's coming down
925 this walk; he has been yonder i' the sun practising behaviour to
926 his own shadow this half hour: observe him, for the love of
927 mockery; for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot
928 of him. Close, in the name of jesting!
[The men hide themselves.]
Maria
929 Lie thou there;
[Throws down a letter]
Maria
930 for here comes the trout
931 that must be caught with tickling.
[Exit Maria.]
[Enter MALVOLIO.]
Malvolio
932 'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told me she
933 did affect me: and I have heard herself come thus near, that,
934 should she fancy, it should be one of my complexion. Besides, she
935 uses me with a more exalted respect than any one else that
936 follows her. What should I think on't?
Sir Toby Belch
937 Here's an overweening rogue!
Fabian
938 O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him;
939 how he jets under his advanced plumes!
Sir Andrew Aguecheek
940 'Slight, I could so beat the rogue:—
Sir Toby Belch
941 Peace, I say.
Malvolio
942 To be Count Malvolio;—
Sir Toby Belch
943 Ah, rogue!
Sir Andrew Aguecheek
944 Pistol him, pistol him.
Sir Toby Belch
945 Peace, peace.
Malvolio
946 There is example for't; the lady of the Strachy married
947 the yeoman of the wardrobe.
Sir Andrew Aguecheek
948 Fie on him, Jezebel!
Fabian
949 O, peace! now he's deeply in; look how imagination blows him.
Malvolio
950 Having been three months married to her, sitting in my state,—
Sir Toby Belch
951 O for a stone-bow to hit him in the eye!
Malvolio
952 Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet gown;
953 having come from a day-bed, where I have left Olivia sleeping.
Sir Toby Belch
954 Fire and brimstone!
Fabian
955 O, peace, peace.
Malvolio
956 And then to have the humour of state: and after a demure
957 travel of regard,—telling them I know my place as I would they
958 should do theirs,—to ask for my kinsman Toby.
Sir Toby Belch
959 Bolts and shackles!
Fabian
960 O, peace, peace, peace! Now, now.
Malvolio
961 Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make out for
962 him: I frown the while, and perchance, wind up my watch, or play
963 with some rich jewel. Toby approaches; court'sies there to me:
Sir Toby Belch
964 Shall this fellow live?
Fabian
965 Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.
Malvolio
966 I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile with an
967 austere regard of control:
Sir Toby Belch
968 And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?
Malvolio
969 Saying 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on your
970 niece, give me this prerogative of speech':—
Sir Toby Belch
971 What, what?
Malvolio
972 'You must amend your drunkenness.'
Sir Toby Belch
973 Out, scab!
Fabian
974 Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.
Malvolio
975 'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a
976 foolish knight';
Sir Andrew Aguecheek
977 That's me, I warrant you.
Malvolio
978 'One Sir Andrew':
Sir Andrew Aguecheek
979 I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.
Malvolio
980 What employment have we here?
[Taking up the letter.]
Fabian
981 Now is the woodcock near the gin.
Sir Toby Belch
982 O, peace! And the spirit of humours intimate reading aloud to
983 him!
Malvolio
984 By my life, this is my lady's hand: these be her very
985 C's, her U's, and her T's; and thus makes she her great P's. It
986 is in contempt of question, her hand.
Sir Andrew Aguecheek
987 Her C's, her U's, and her T's. Why that?
[Reads]
Malvolio
988 'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good
989 wishes.' Her very phrases!—By your leave, wax.—Soft!—and the
990 impressure her Lucrece, with which she uses to seal: 'tis my
991 lady. To whom should this be?
Fabian
992 This wins him, liver and all.
[Reads]
Malvolio
993 'Jove knows I love,
994 But who?
995 Lips, do not move,
996 No man must know.'
Malvolio
997 'No man must know.'—What follows? the numbers alter'd!—'No man
998 must know':—If this should be thee, Malvolio?
Sir Toby Belch
999 Marry, hang thee, brock!
Malvolio
1000 'I may command where I adore:
1001 But silence, like a Lucrece knife,
1002 With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore;
1003 M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.'
Fabian
1004 A fustian riddle!
Sir Toby Belch
1005 Excellent wench, say I.
Malvolio
1006 'M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.'—Nay, but first let me see,—let
1007 me see,—let me see.
Fabian
1008 What dish of poison has she dressed him!
Sir Toby Belch
1009 And with what wing the stannyel checks at it!
Malvolio
1010 'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may command me: I
1011 serve her, she is my lady. Why, this is evident to any formal
1012 capacity; there is no obstruction in this;—And the end,—What
1013 should that alphabetical position portend? If I could make that
1014 resemble something in me.—Softly!—M, O, A, I.—
Sir Toby Belch
1015 O, ay, make up that:—he is now at a cold scent.
Fabian
1016 Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as rank as a
1017 fox.
Malvolio
1018 M,—Malvolio; M,—why, that begins my name.
Fabian
1019 Did not I say he would work it out?
1020 The cur is excellent at faults.
Malvolio
1021 M,—But then there is no consonancy in the sequel; that
1022 suffers under probation: A should follow, but O does.
Fabian
1023 And O shall end, I hope.
Sir Toby Belch
1024 Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry 'O!'
Malvolio
1025 And then I comes behind.
Fabian
1026 Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see more
1027 detraction at your heels than fortunes before you.
Malvolio
1028 M, O, A, I;—This simulation is not as the former:—and
1029 yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for every one of
1030 these letters are in my name. Soft; here follows prose.—
1031 'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I am above
1032 thee; but be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some
1033 achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. Thy
1034 fates open their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them.
1035 And, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy
1036 humble slough and appear fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman, surly
1037 with servants: let thy tongue tang arguments of state; put
1038 thyself into the trick of singularity: She thus advises thee that
1039 sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy yellow stockings, and
1040 wished to see thee ever cross-gartered. I say, remember. Go to;
1041 thou art made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see thee
1042 a steward still, the fellow of servants, and not worthy to touch
1043 fortune's fingers. Farewell. She that would alter services with
1044 thee,
1045 'The fortunate-unhappy.'
Malvolio
1046 Daylight and champian discovers not more: this is open. I will be
1047 proud, I will read politic authors, I will baffle Sir Toby, I
1048 will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be point-device, the
1049 very man. I do not now fool myself to let imagination jade me;
1050 for every reason excites to this, that my lady loves me. She did
1051 commend my yellow stockings of late, she did praise my leg being
1052 cross-gartered; and in this she manifests herself to my love, and
1053 with a kind of injunction, drives me to these habits of her
1054 liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will be strange, stout, in
1055 yellow stockings, and cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of
1056 putting on. Jove and my stars be praised!—Here is yet a
1057 postscript. 'Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou
1058 entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling; thy smiles
1059 become thee well: therefore in my presence still smile, dear my
1060 sweet, I pr'ythee.' Jove, I thank thee. I will smile; I will do
1061 everything that thou wilt have me.
[Exit.]
Fabian
1062 I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of
1063 thousands to be paid from the Sophy.
Sir Toby Belch
1064 I could marry this wench for this device:
Sir Andrew Aguecheek
1065 So could I too.
Sir Toby Belch
1066 And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.
[Enter MARIA.]
Sir Andrew Aguecheek
1067 Nor I neither.
Fabian
1068 Here comes my noble gull-catcher.
Sir Toby Belch
1069 Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?
Sir Andrew Aguecheek
1070 Or o' mine either?
Sir Toby Belch
1071 Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip, and become thy bond-slave?
Sir Andrew Aguecheek
1072 I' faith, or I either?
Sir Toby Belch
1073 Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that, when the
1074 image of it leaves him, he must run mad.
Maria
1075 Nay, but say true; does it work upon him?
Sir Toby Belch
1076 Like aqua-vitae with a midwife.
Maria
1077 If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his
1078 first approach before my lady: he will come to her in yellow
1079 stockings, and 'tis a colour she abhors, and cross-gartered, a
1080 fashion she detests; and he will smile upon her, which will now
1081 be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a
1082 melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him into a notable
1083 contempt; if you will see it, follow me.
Sir Toby Belch
1084 To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!
Sir Andrew Aguecheek
1085 I'll make one too.
[Exeunt.]

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Notes

TLN 913archaic vocab
“Come thy ways, Signior Fabian”
'Come thy ways' is an Elizabethan idiom for 'come along' or 'come then,' equivalent to a light 'let's go.' 'Signior' is the Italian title 'Signor,' used across the play to add a Continental flavor to Illyria.
TLN 914archaic vocab
“lose a scruple of this sport let me be boiled to death with melancholy”
A 'scruple' is the smallest unit of the apothecary's weight system (a third of a dram), used figuratively for a tiny amount. 'Boiled to death with melancholy' is a comic hyperbole: in Elizabethan medicine melancholy was a cold, damp humor, and to be 'boiled' by it is deliberately absurd — Fabian mocks the very thing he dreads, saying missing even a grain of this fun would be as fatal as a feverish death.
TLN 916archaic vocab
“niggardly rascally sheep-biter”
A 'sheep-biter' was a dog that secretly attacked sheep in the flock — and by extension a sneaking, two-faced villain. 'Niggardly' means meanly stingy. Sir Toby stacks up insults to describe Malvolio: a tight-fisted, sneaky cur who injures those around him under the guise of household duty.
TLN 918historical topical
“brought me out o' favour with my lady about a bear-baiting”
Bear-baiting was a popular Elizabethan blood sport in which a bear chained to a post was attacked by dogs while spectators bet on the outcome. Fabian lost Olivia's favor for attending (or organizing) such an event, suggesting the countess found it beneath her household's dignity. The detail places Malvolio as the killjoy informer who reported Fabian to his mistress.
historical Puritanism and revelry ('a kind of Puritan')
TLN 923archaic vocab
“my nettle of India”
Sir Toby's greeting for Maria means something like 'my exotic little stinger' — a term of rough affection that compares her sharp wit to the nettle of India (probably the stinging nettle or pepper-plant; exact species uncertain). It captures her combination of small size and outsized cunning.
TLN 930cultural context
“here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling”
Trout tickling was a real method of catching fish: a poacher would slide a hand under a trout resting in the shallows and gently rub its belly until it went into a trance-like state, then flip it out of the water. Maria's letter is the tickling — a gentle, pleasurable stimulus that will put Malvolio into a stupor of self-love and let the plotters land him.
TLN 938archaic vocab
“Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him; how he jets under his advanced plumes”
Fabian compares Malvolio to a turkey-cock strutting in full fan. 'Jets' means struts or swaggers (from French jeter, to cast oneself forward); 'advanced plumes' are raised feathers. A turkey-cock puffing up its tail and chest was a comic image of vain display, and Fabian applies it to Malvolio rehearsing his imaginary grandeur as a count.
TLN 948biblical allusion
“Fie on him, Jezebel”
Jezebel was the Phoenician wife of King Ahab of Israel, notorious in the Bible as a scheming, painted idolater who persecuted prophets and was thrown from a window to her death (2 Kings 9:30-37). Her name became shorthand for a wicked, shameless woman. Sir Andrew hurls it at Malvolio — a man — which is doubly comic: the insult is aimed at Malvolio's vanity and social climbing, but 'Jezebel' was exclusively female, suggesting Sir Andrew does not entirely know what he is saying.
TLN 989classical allusion
“the impressure her Lucrece, with which she uses to seal”
The wax seal bears an image of Lucrece — the chaste Roman noblewoman who killed herself after being raped by Tarquin, and the classical emblem of female honor. Olivia uses this as her personal seal, presenting herself as a woman of unassailable virtue. For Malvolio, finding 'her Lucrece' confirms the letter is genuinely hers.
classical Tarquin and the rape of Lucrece
TLN 1001classical allusion
“silence, like a Lucrece knife, With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore”
The forged letter's verse compares the writer's enforced silence to the knife with which Lucrece stabbed herself: it wounds the heart without drawing blood. Lucrece, after being raped by Tarquin, killed herself to preserve her honor — her death-knife was the emblem of her self-inflicted wound. The conceit presents 'silence' as the emotional equivalent of that self-wounding: being unable to speak one's love is as painful as a blade.
classical Tarquin and the rape of Lucrece
TLN 1009archaic vocab
“with what wing the stannyel checks at it”
A 'stannyel' (also 'staniel') is a kestrel — a small hawk considered inferior to the noble hawks used in proper falconry. To 'check' in falconry means to swerve away from the quarry and go after some other, lower bird. Sir Toby is saying Malvolio, like a cheap kestrel distracted by irrelevant prey, has veered off to pursue the wrong meaning in the letter.
TLN 1032cultural context
“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them”
This is one of Shakespeare's most quoted lines, but here it is the bait of a comic trap: Maria has planted it in the forged letter to exploit Malvolio's ambition. The tripartite formula sounds like wisdom literature, but it is designed to make Malvolio — a servant — believe Olivia is telling him he belongs in the third category: greatness thrust upon him by her love.
historical Puritanism and revelry ('a kind of Puritan')
TLN 1035archaic vocab
“cast thy humble slough and appear fresh”
A 'slough' is the dead skin shed by a snake when it grows. The letter tells Malvolio to shed his humble servant's demeanor as a snake sheds its old skin — to drop the lowly identity and emerge in a new, elevated self. The image implies that Malvolio's dignity and ambition are already coiled inside him, just waiting to be unveiled.
TLN 1037archaic vocab
“put thyself into the trick of singularity”
'Singularity' here means eccentric distinction — the habit of standing apart from the crowd by dress, manner, or behavior. The letter advises Malvolio to adopt the affectations of a gentleman of quality: not blending in with servants but conspicuously marking himself as different. The 'trick' is the acquired habit or knack of it.
TLN 1039historical topical
“remember who commended thy yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever cross-gartered”
Yellow stockings and cross-gartering were conspicuous Elizabethan fashion details. Cross-gartering meant winding the garter ribbon both above and below the knee and tying it in a cross shape — a style considered old-fashioned and affected by 1600. The letter exploits Malvolio's vanity by pretending Olivia finds them attractive; in fact, as Maria reveals at the scene's end, Olivia detests yellow and considers cross-gartering ridiculous.
TLN 1062historical topical
“a pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy”
The 'Sophy' is the Shah of Persia — a byword in Elizabethan England for fabulous Eastern wealth, since trade with the Persian Safavid court was a subject of considerable interest and diplomatic effort. Fabian says he would not trade his enjoyment of this prank for any amount of Persian gold. The reference to the Sophy pops up again later in the play when Sir Andrew claims to have 'been dear to him.'
TLN 1071archaic vocab
“Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip, and become thy bond-slave”
Tray-trip was a dice game in which the player who threw three (from French 'trois') won. Sir Toby pretends he would gamble his own freedom on the throw of dice just to honor Maria, pledging himself as her 'bond-slave' — her indentured servant. The hyperbole caps the scene's comic reversal: the disorderly knight prostrating himself before the woman whose trick he just applauded.
historical Twelfth Night and the Lord of Misrule
TLN 1076archaic vocab
“Like aqua-vitae with a midwife”
'Aqua-vitae' (Latin: water of life) was a distilled spirit, essentially brandy or strong whisky, used both as medicine and as a restorative. The simile says the letter is working on Malvolio the way a strong drink instantly revives a tired midwife — it hits him fast, powerfully, and completely.
TLN 1084classical allusion
“To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit”
'Tartar' (Tartarus) is the lowest pit of the classical underworld — the place of punishment beneath even Hades — so 'the gates of Tartar' means the very mouth of hell. Sir Toby says he would follow Maria all the way to hell's gate for engineering this scheme. In the same breath he calls her 'devil of wit,' fusing the demonic geography with a comic compliment on her devilish cleverness.