Act 5, Scene 1
The Grecian camp. Before the tent of ACHILLES
- [Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS.]
- Achilles
- 2737 I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,
- 2738 Which with my scimitar I'll cool to-morrow.
- 2739 Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
- Patroclus
- 2740 Here comes Thersites.
- [Enter THERSITES.]
- Achilles
- 2741 How now, thou core of envy!
- 2742 Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?
- Thersites
- 2743 Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol of
- 2744 idiot worshippers, here's a letter for thee.
- Achilles
- 2745 From whence, fragment?
- Thersites
- 2746 Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
- Patroclus
- 2747 Who keeps the tent now?
- Thersites
- 2748 The surgeon's box or the patient's wound.
- Patroclus
- 2749 Well said, Adversity! and what needs these tricks?
- Thersites
- 2750 Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk; thou
- 2751 art said to be Achilles' male varlet.
- Patroclus
- 2752 Male varlet, you rogue! What's that?
- Thersites
- 2753 Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases of
- 2754 the south, the guts-griping ruptures, catarrhs, loads o' gravel
- 2755 in the back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten
- 2756 livers, wheezing lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas,
- 2757 limekilns i' th' palm, incurable bone-ache, and the rivelled fee-
- 2758 simple of the tetter, take and take again such preposterous
- 2759 discoveries!
- Patroclus
- 2760 Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest thou
- 2761 to curse thus?
- Thersites
- 2762 Do I curse thee?
- Patroclus
- 2763 Why, no, you ruinous butt; you whoreson indistinguishable cur,
- 2764 no.
- Thersites
- 2765 No! Why art thou, then, exasperate, thou idle immaterial
- 2766 skein of sleave silk, thou green sarcenet flap for a sore eye,
- 2767 thou tassel of a prodigal's purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world
- 2768 is pestered with such water-flies, diminutives of nature!
- Patroclus
- 2769 Out, gall!
- Thersites
- 2770 Finch egg!
- Achilles
- 2771 My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
- 2772 From my great purpose in to-morrow's battle.
- 2773 Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
- 2774 A token from her daughter, my fair love,
- 2775 Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
- 2776 An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.
- 2777 Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;
- 2778 My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.
- 2779 Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent;
- 2780 This night in banqueting must all be spent.
- 2781 Away, Patroclus!
- [Exit with PATROCLUS.]
- Thersites
- 2782 With too much blood and too little brain these two may
- 2783 run mad; but, if with too much brain and to little blood they do,
- 2784 I'll be a curer of madmen. Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow
- 2785 enough, and one that loves quails, but he has not so much brain
- 2786 as ear-wax; and the goodly transformation of Jupiter there, his
- 2787 brother, the bull, the primitive statue and oblique memorial of
- 2788 cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his
- 2789 brother's leg, to what form but that he is, should wit larded
- 2790 with malice, and malice forced with wit, turn him to? To an ass,
- 2791 were nothing: he is both ass and ox. To an ox, were nothing: he
- 2792 is both ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a
- 2793 toad, a lizard, an owl, a put-tock, or a herring without a roe, I
- 2794 would not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire against
- 2795 destiny. Ask me not what I would be, if I were not Thersites; for
- 2796 I care not to be the louse of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus.
- 2797 Hey-day! sprites and fires!
- [Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights.]
- Agamemnon
- 2798 We go wrong, we go wrong.
- Ajax
- 2799 No, yonder 'tis;
- 2800 There, where we see the lights.
- Hector
- 2801 I trouble you.
- Ajax
- 2802 No, not a whit.
- Ulysses
- 2803 Here comes himself to guide you.
- [Re-enter ACHILLES.]
- Achilles
- 2804 Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, Princes all.
- Agamemnon
- 2805 So now, fair Prince of Troy, I bid good night;
- 2806 Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
- Hector
- 2807 Thanks, and good night to the Greeks' general.
- Menelaus
- 2808 Good night, my lord.
- Hector
- 2809 Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.
- Thersites
- 2810 Sweet draught! 'Sweet' quoth a'!
- 2811 Sweet sink, sweet sewer!
- Achilles
- 2812 Good night and welcome, both at once, to those
- 2813 That go or tarry.
- Agamemnon
- 2814 Good night.
- [Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS.]
- Achilles
- 2815 Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
- 2816 Keep Hector company an hour or two.
- Diomedes
- 2817 I cannot, lord; I have important business,
- 2818 The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.
- Hector
- 2819 Give me your hand.
- [Aside to TROILUS]
- Ulysses
- 2820 Follow his torch; he goes to
- 2821 Calchas' tent; I'll keep you company.
- Troilus
- 2822 Sweet sir, you honour me.
- Hector
- 2823 And so, good night.
- [Exit DIOMEDES; ULYSSES and TROILUS following.]
- Achilles
- 2824 Come, come, enter my tent.
- [Exeunt all but THERSITES.]
- Thersites
- 2825 That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust
- 2826 knave; I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a
- 2827 serpent when he hisses. He will spend his mouth and promise, like
- 2828 Brabbler the hound; but when he performs, astronomers foretell
- 2829 it: it is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun
- 2830 borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather
- 2831 leave to see Hector than not to dog him. They say he keeps a
- 2832 Trojan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent. I'll after.
- 2833 Nothing but lechery! All incontinent varlets!
- [Exit.]