Act 2, Scene 1

Before PAGE'S house

[Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter.]
Mistress Page
457 What! have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty,
458 and am I now a subject for them? Let me see.
Mistress Page
459 'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use Reason
460 for his precisian, he admits him not for his counsellor. You
461 are not young, no more am I; go to, then, there's sympathy:
462 you are merry, so am I; ha! ha! then there's more sympathy;
463 you love sack, and so do I; would you desire better sympathy?
464 Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page, at the least, if the love
465 of soldier can suffice, that I love thee. I will not say,
466 pity me: 'tis not a soldier-like phrase; but I say, Love me.
467 By me,
468 Thine own true knight,
469 By day or night,
470 Or any kind of light,
471 With all his might,
472 For thee to fight,
473 JOHN FALSTAFF.'
Mistress Page
474 What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world! One that is
475 well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show himself a young gallant.
476 What an unweighed behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard picked, with
477 the devil's name! out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner
478 assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What should I
479 say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth:—Heaven forgive me! Why,
480 I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men.
481 How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as
482 his guts are made of puddings.
[Enter MISTRESS FORD.]
Mistress Ford
483 Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.
Mistress Page
484 And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill.
Mistress Ford
485 Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.
Mistress Page
486 Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Mistress Ford
487 Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could show you to the contrary.
488 O, Mistress Page! give me some counsel.
Mistress Page
489 What's the matter, woman?
Mistress Ford
490 O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to
491 such honour!
Mistress Page
492 Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour. What is it?—Dispense with
493 trifles;—what is it?
Mistress Ford
494 If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be
495 knighted.
Mistress Page
496 What? thou liest. Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so
497 thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry.
Mistress Ford
498 We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I might be knighted.
499 I shall think the worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make
500 difference of men's liking: and yet he would not swear; praised
501 women's modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to
502 all uncomeliness that I would have sworn his disposition would have
503 gone to the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere and keep
504 place together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of 'Greensleeves.'
505 What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in
506 his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think
507 the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of
508 lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
Mistress Page
509 Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs. To thy
510 great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother
511 of thy letter; but let thine inherit first, for, I protest, mine never
512 shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank
513 space for different names, sure, more, and these are of the second
514 edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not what he
515 puts into the press, when he would put us two: I had rather be a
516 giantess and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty
517 lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
Mistress Ford
518 Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very words. What doth
519 he think of us?
Mistress Page
520 Nay, I know not; it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own
521 honesty. I'll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted
522 withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me that I know not
523 myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
Mistress Ford
524 'Boarding' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him above deck.
Mistress Page
525 So will I; if he come under my hatches, I'll never to sea again.
526 Let's be revenged on him; let's appoint him a meeting, give him a
527 show of comfort in his suit, and lead him on with a fine-baited
528 delay, till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.
Mistress Ford
529 Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him that may not
530 sully the chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this
531 letter! It would give eternal food to his jealousy.
Mistress Page
532 Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he's as far from
533 jealousy as I am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an
534 unmeasurable distance.
Mistress Ford
535 You are the happier woman.
Mistress Page
536 Let's consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither.
[They retire.]
[Enter FORD, PISTOL, and PAGE and NYM.]
Ford
537 Well, I hope it be not so.
Pistol
538 Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:
539 Sir John affects thy wife.
Ford
540 Why, sir, my wife is not young.
Pistol
541 He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,
542 Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
543 He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend.
Ford
544 Love my wife!
Pistol
545 With liver burning hot: prevent, or go thou,
546 Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels.—
547 O! odious is the name!
Ford
548 What name, sir?
Pistol
549 The horn, I say. Farewell:
550 Take heed; have open eye, for thieves do foot by night;
551 Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing.
552 Away, Sir Corporal Nym.
553 Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
[Exit PISTOL.]
[Aside]
Ford
554 I will be patient: I will find out this.
[To PAGE]
Nym
555 And this is true; I like not the humour of lying. He hath
556 wronged me in some humours: I should have borne the humoured letter
557 to her; but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He
558 loves your wife; there's the short and the long. My name is Corporal
559 Nym; I speak, and I avouch 'tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff
560 loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese;
561 and there's the humour of it. Adieu.
[Exit NYM.]
[Aside.]
Page
562 'The humour of it,' quoth 'a! Here's a fellow frights
563 English out of his wits.
Ford
564 I will seek out Falstaff.
Page
565 I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
Ford
566 If I do find it: well.
Page
567 I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest o' the town
568 commended him for a true man.
Ford
569 'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
Page
570 How now, Meg!
Mistress Page
571 Whither go you, George?—Hark you.
Mistress Ford
572 How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?
Ford
573 I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.
Mistress Ford
574 Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now. Will you go,
575 Mistress Page?
Mistress Page
576 Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George?
[Aside to MRS. FORD]
Mistress Page
577 Look who comes yonder: she shall be our
578 messenger to this paltry knight.
[Aside to MRS. PAGE]
Mistress Ford
579 Trust me, I thought on her: she'll fit it.
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.]
Mistress Page
580 You are come to see my daughter Anne?
Mistress Quickly
581 Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?
Mistress Page
582 Go in with us and see; we'd have an hour's talk with you.
[Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY.]
Page
583 How now, Master Ford!
Ford
584 You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
Page
585 Yes; and you heard what the other told me?
Ford
586 Do you think there is truth in them?
Page
587 Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it; but these
588 that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his
589 discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of service.
Ford
590 Were they his men?
Page
591 Marry, were they.
Ford
592 I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter?
Page
593 Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage toward my wife,
594 I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than
595 sharp words, let it lie on my head.
Ford
596 I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to turn them together.
597 A man may be too confident. I would have nothing 'lie on my head': I
598 cannot be thus satisfied.
Page
599 Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes. There is either
600 liquor in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily.
[Enter HOST and SHALLOW.]
Page
601 How now, mine host!
Host of the Garter
602 How now, bully-rook! Thou'rt a gentleman. Cavaliero-justice, I say!
Justice Shallow
603 I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty, good Master
604 Page! Master Page, will you go with us? We have sport in hand.
Host of the Garter
605 Tell him, cavaliero-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
Justice Shallow
606 Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest
607 and Caius the French doctor.
Ford
608 Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.
Host of the Garter
609 What say'st thou, my bully-rook?
[They go aside.]
[To PAGE.]
Justice Shallow
610 Will you go with us to behold it? My merry host hath had
611 the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, hath appointed them
612 contrary places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.
613 Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
[They converse apart.]
Host of the Garter
614 Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaliero?
Ford
615 None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me
616 recourse to him, and tell him my name is Brook, only for a jest.
Host of the Garter
617 My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress; said I well? and
618 thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry knight. Will you go, mynheers?
Justice Shallow
619 Have with you, mine host.
Page
620 I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier.
Justice Shallow
621 Tut, sir! I could have told you more. In these times you stand on
622 distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and I know not what: 'tis the
623 heart, Master Page; 'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the time with
624 my long sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
Host of the Garter
625 Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?
Page
626 Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than fight.
[Exeunt HOST, SHALLOW, and PAGE.]
Ford
627 Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wife's
628 frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily. She was in his
629 company at Page's house, and what they made there I know not. Well,
630 I will look further into 't; and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff.
631 If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise,
632 'tis labour well bestowed.
[Exit.]

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Word definitions on hover

Notes

TLN 459archaic vocab
“Love use Reason for his precisian”
A 'precisian' was Elizabethan slang for a strict Puritan who follows rules to the letter. Falstaff's letter says Love keeps Reason on staff as a bookkeeper ('precisian') but does not consult him as an actual adviser — in other words, love is not governed by common sense.
TLN 474historical topical
“What a Herod of Jewry is this”
Herod the Great, king of Judaea, was the proverbial byword for murderous ranting villainy on the English stage — old mystery plays showed him as a blustering, violent tyrant. Mistress Page uses the name to mean: 'What an outrageous bully.' Shakespeare jokes about Herod's stage rant in Hamlet ('it out-Herods Herod').
TLN 476historical topical
“Flemish drunkard picked, with the devil's name”
'Flemish drunkard' was a stock English insult of the period: Flemish (Belgian) workers and merchants who came to England were stereotyped as heavy drinkers. Mistress Page also notes that Falstaff is known for loving 'sack' (fortified wine), so the gibe fits. 'With the devil's name' is an exclamation of exasperation, like 'in the devil's name' or 'what the devil.'
TLN 504historical topical
“the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of 'Greensleeves'”
Psalm 100 ('Make a joyful noise') was one of the most familiar psalm-tunes in English Protestant worship, sung by the whole congregation at a solemn, stately pace. 'Greensleeves' was a popular, bawdy dance tune of the era. Mistress Ford means that Falstaff's pious words and his lecherous intentions go together as absurdly as singing a church psalm to a tavern dance melody.
TLN 516classical allusion
“lie under Mount Pelion”
Mount Pelion is a mountain in Thessaly, Greece. In Greek myth the Giants tried to storm Olympus by piling Mount Ossa on Mount Pelion. To 'lie under Mount Pelion' means to be crushed by an enormous weight. Mistress Page is saying she would rather suffer that impossible burden than let Falstaff press her into his printing (a bawdy double meaning on 'press' runs just before this).
TLN 538archaic vocab
“Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs”
A 'curtal' dog is one with its tail docked short — the tail being the visible sign of a dog's eagerness and reliability. Pistol is saying that hope is like a worthless, mutilated hound: it cannot run the full course or be trusted to bring in the prey. In plain English: hoping Ford's wife is faithful may be a poor bet.
TLN 543archaic vocab
“He loves the gallimaufry”
A 'gallimaufry' (also spelled 'gallimaulfry') was a culinary word for a hash or hodgepodge of leftover meats thrown together without discrimination. Pistol uses it contemptuously: Falstaff has no standards, he pursues any woman regardless of age, rank, or looks — he loves the jumble.
TLN 545classical allusion
“With liver burning hot: prevent, or go thou, Like Sir Actaeon he”
The liver was thought to be the seat of sexual passion, so 'liver burning hot' means Falstaff is consumed by lust. 'Sir Actaeon' refers to Actaeon, the hunter in Greek myth whom the goddess Diana turned into a stag as punishment for seeing her bathing naked; his own hounds then tore him apart. Pistol warns Ford that if he does nothing, he will be like the cuckolded Actaeon — made a horned stag, hunted in his own home.
historical The cuckold's horns
TLN 555historical topical
“I like not the humour of lying”
'Humour' here (and throughout Nym's speeches) is his tic-word, used loosely to mean 'mood,' 'habit,' 'inclination,' or simply as filler. He repeats it five times in seven lines. This is a satire on the fashionable 1590s craze for 'humour' talk, mocked in Ben Jonson's Every Man in his Humour (1598, a play Nym is borrowed from). In Renaissance medicine the four 'humours' were bodily fluids thought to govern personality; Nym applies the word to almost any situation.
TLN 567archaic vocab
“I will not believe such a Cataian”
A 'Cataian' (or Cathayan) literally meant an inhabitant of Cathay (China), which was proverbially remote and unknown. On the Elizabethan stage the word was used contemptuously for a rogue or cheat — someone as outlandish and untrustworthy as a foreigner from the far end of the world. Page is calling Pistol an impostor not worth believing.
TLN 602archaic vocab
“bully-rook! Thou'rt a gentleman. Cavaliero-justice”
The Host of the Garter speaks in a private, blustering cant. 'Bully-rook' is his boisterous term of address for a good fellow or boon companion — 'rook' from the rook (the crow family, associated with bluster), 'bully' being Elizabethan slang for a fine fellow. 'Cavaliero' (from Spanish 'caballero,' a horseman-gentleman) adds a swaggering Spanish touch, meaning a gallant man-about-town — here applied to Justice Shallow to inflate his dignity.
TLN 615archaic vocab
“a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him”
A 'pottle' was a half-gallon measure (two quarts). 'Sack' was a strong Spanish white wine (sherry-style), and 'burnt sack' was sack warmed and spiced — a popular Elizabethan hot drink. Ford is offering the Host half a gallon of spiced wine as a bribe in exchange for an introduction to Falstaff under the false name 'Brook.'
TLN 617archaic vocab
“thou shalt have egress and regress; said I well”
'Egress and regress' is a legal phrase meaning the right to enter and exit — used in property law for rights of access over another person's land. The Host applies it pompously to Ford's request for an introduction to Falstaff, inflating a simple favour with a lawyer's formula. The self-satisfied 'said I well?' is his habit of fishing for applause.
TLN 622historical topical
“distance, your passes, stoccadoes”
These are technical terms from the fashionable Italian style of fencing that swept England in the 1590s. 'Distance' is the controlled gap between opponents; a 'pass' is a forward thrust or lunge; a 'stoccado' (from Italian 'stoccata') is a straight thrusting blow with the point. Shallow dismisses them all as newfangled nonsense — real men fought with the old English 'long sword,' not these Italian tricks.