Act 4, Scene 2

A Room in OLIVIA'S House.

[Enter MARIA and CLOWN.]
Maria
1774 Nay, I pr'ythee, put on this gown and this beard; make him
1775 believe thou art Sir Topas the curate; do it quickly: I'll call
1776 Sir Toby the whilst.
[Exit MARIA.]
Feste
1777 Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in't; and
1778 I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I
1779 am not tall enough to become the function well: nor lean enough
1780 to be thought a good student: but to be said, an honest man and a
1781 good housekeeper, goes as fairly as to say, a careful man and a
1782 great scholar. The competitors enter.
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA.]
Sir Toby Belch
1783 Jove bless thee, Master Parson.
Feste
1784 Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that
1785 never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King
1786 Gorboduc, 'That that is, is'; so I, being master parson, am
1787 master parson: for what is that but that? and is but is?
Sir Toby Belch
1788 To him, Sir Topas.
Feste
1789 What, hoa, I say,—Peace in this prison!
Sir Toby Belch
1790 The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.
[In an inner chamber.]
Malvolio
1791 Who calls there?
Feste
1792 Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the
1793 lunatic.
Malvolio
1794 Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
Feste
1795 Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man? talkest thou
1796 nothing but of ladies?
Sir Toby Belch
1797 Well said, master parson.
Malvolio
1798 Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do
1799 not think I am mad; they have laid me here in hideous darkness.
Feste
1800 Fie, thou dishonest Sathan! I call thee by the most modest
1801 terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil
1802 himself with courtesy. Say'st thou that house is dark?
Malvolio
1803 As hell, Sir Topas.
Feste
1804 Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the
1805 clear storeys toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony;
1806 and yet complainest thou of obstruction?
Malvolio
1807 I am not mad, Sir Topas; I say to you this house is dark.
Feste
1808 Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but
1809 ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in
1810 their fog.
Malvolio
1811 I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though
1812 ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man
1813 thus abused. I am no more mad than you are; make the trial of it
1814 in any constant question.
Feste
1815 What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild-fowl?
Malvolio
1816 That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
Feste
1817 What thinkest thou of his opinion?
Malvolio
1818 I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
Feste
1819 Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt
1820 hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits; and
1821 fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy
1822 grandam. Fare thee well.
Malvolio
1823 Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
Sir Toby Belch
1824 My most exquisite Sir Topas!
Feste
1825 Nay, I am for all waters.
Maria
1826 Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he
1827 sees thee not.
Sir Toby Belch
1828 To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou
1829 findest him; I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may
1830 be conveniently delivered, I would he were; for I am now so far
1831 in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety
1832 this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.
[Exeunt SIR TOBY and MARIA.]
[Singing.]
Feste
1833 'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
1834 Tell me how thy lady does.'
Malvolio
1835 Fool,—
Feste
1836 'My lady is unkind, perdy.'
Malvolio
1837 Fool,—
Feste
1838 'Alas, why is she so?'
Malvolio
1839 Fool, I say;—
Feste
1840 'She loves another'—Who calls, ha?
Malvolio
1841 Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand,
1842 help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper; as I am a
1843 gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't.
Feste
1844 Master Malvolio!
Malvolio
1845 Ay, good fool.
Feste
1846 Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
Malvolio
1847 Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused; I am as well in
1848 my wits, fool, as thou art.
Feste
1849 But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in
1850 your wits than a fool.
Malvolio
1851 They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send
1852 ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my
1853 wits.
Feste
1854 Advise you what you say: the minister is here.—Malvolio, thy
1855 wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave
1856 thy vain bibble-babble.
Malvolio
1857 Sir Topas,—
Feste
1858 Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not
1859 I, sir. God b' wi' you, good Sir Topas.—Marry, amen.—I will
1860 sir, I will.
Malvolio
1861 Fool, fool, fool, I say,—
Feste
1862 Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for
1863 speaking to you.
Malvolio
1864 Good fool, help me to some light and some paper;
1865 I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
Feste
1866 Well-a-day,—that you were, sir!
Malvolio
1867 By this hand, I am: Good fool, some ink, paper, and
1868 light, and convey what I will set down to my lady; it shall
1869 advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.
Feste
1870 I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not mad
1871 indeed? or do you but counterfeit?
Malvolio
1872 Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.
Feste
1873 Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains.
1874 I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.
Malvolio
1875 Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I pr'ythee be
1876 gone.
[Singing.]
Feste
1877 'I am gone, sir,
1878 And anon, sir,
1879 I'll be with you again,
1880 In a trice,
1881 Like to the old vice,
1882 Your need to sustain;
Feste
1883 Who with dagger of lath,
1884 In his rage and his wrath,
1885 Cries ah, ha! to the devil:
1886 Like a mad lad,
1887 Pare thy nails, dad.
1888 Adieu, goodman drivel.
[Exit.]

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Word definitions on hover

Notes

TLN 1774historical topical
“put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate”
A curate was a junior parish clergyman. Feste borrows a scholar's academic gown and a false beard to impersonate one, because a visitation from the clergy to a person thought mad was a standard procedure for testing whether the affliction was spiritual or physical. The disguise lets him torment Malvolio with a veneer of official sanity-testing.
TLN 1777wordplay
“I will dissemble myself in't; and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown”
Feste puns on 'dissemble': it means both 'to disguise, to conceal' (he will hide his identity in the gown) and 'to deceive, to be hypocritical.' His joke is that scholars and clergymen have always used their gowns as cover for dishonesty, so he is hardly the first to 'dissemble' in one.
TLN 1780archaic vocab
“an honest man and a good housekeeper, goes as fairly as to say, a careful man and a great scholar”
'Housekeeper' here means a hospitable person who keeps open house for others — a mark of good character in Elizabethan usage, not a domestic servant. Feste wryly notes that 'honest and hospitable' is considered just as good a qualification as 'careful and learned' — implying that a curate's learning matters less than his social virtues.
TLN 1784wordplay
“the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc”
Feste cites two completely invented authorities — a hermit who never learned to write, and the niece of a king from a famously grim, archaic English legend — to support the vacuous proposition 'that that is, is.' The joke is that absurdly grandiose citations lend apparent weight to saying nothing at all. Gorboduc was the semi-legendary ancient British king of a well-known 1561 tragedy; invoking his niece is pure nonsense-making.
TLN 1795historical topical
“Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man? talkest thou nothing but of ladies?”
Feste, playing the curate, pretends that Malvolio is possessed by a noisy, exaggerating ('hyperbolical') devil, and that this devil is expressing itself through Malvolio's plea to go to his lady, Olivia. Exorcists in the period would dramatically name and berate the demon afflicting a patient; Feste parodies the standard exorcism formula of commanding the spirit to depart. 'Out' was the conventional opening word of an exorcism command.
TLN 1809biblical allusion
“thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog”
Feste alludes to one of the ten plagues of Egypt: a darkness so thick the Egyptians could not see or move for three days, while the Israelites had light in their houses. The taunt inverts Malvolio's complaint that the room is dark: Feste claims the room is full of light, but Malvolio is too ignorant to see it, just as the Egyptians were blinded by God's punishment.
biblical The serpent in the Garden of Eden
TLN 1815classical allusion
“What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild-fowl?”
Pythagoras, the Greek philosopher and mathematician, taught that souls do not die but pass from body to body — including into the bodies of animals. Feste uses this as a sanity test: a Christian must deny it; to accept it is heresy. Malvolio, confident in his orthodox belief that the soul is immortal but does not transmigrate, refuses the doctrine and is therefore told he is still too mad to be released.
classical Pythagoras and the transmigration of souls
TLN 1846archaic vocab
“how fell you besides your five wits?”
'Five wits' was a standard Elizabethan term for the inner mental faculties — imagination, fantasy, estimation, memory, and common wit — as distinct from the five senses. To fall 'besides' them means to lose possession of them, to go out of one's mind. Feste's question ('how did you lose your five wits?') is mock-sympathetic, since he knows perfectly well that Malvolio is sane.
TLN 1851archaic vocab
“They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses”
'Propertied' means treated as a piece of property — an object to be stored and managed rather than a person to be dealt with. Malvolio protests that they have reduced him to a thing, locking him up, sending (fake) ministers to tend him as if he were an object, not a man. The word is an unusual coinage, and its bitterness is genuine.
TLN 1862archaic vocab
“I am shent for speaking to you”
'Shent' is the past participle of the archaic verb 'shend,' meaning to be rebuked, blamed, or put to shame. Feste (slipping between his own voice and 'Sir Topas') claims he has been scolded for talking to the madman — a calculated piece of theatre to make Malvolio feel the difficulty of obtaining any help.