Shakespeare Portal

Act 2, Scene 1

A hall in LEONATO'S house.

  1. [Enter LEONATO, ANTONIO, HERO, BEATRICE, and Others.]
  2. Leonato
  3. 321 Was not Count John here at supper?
  4. Antonio
  5. 322 I saw him not.
  6. Beatrice
  7. 323 How tartly that gentleman looks! I never can see him but I am
  8. 324 heart-burned an hour after.
  9. Hero
  10. 325 He is of a very melancholy disposition.
  11. Beatrice
  12. 326 He were an excellent man that were made just in the mid-way between
  13. 327 him and Benedick: the one is too like an image, and says nothing; and
  14. 328 the other too like my lady's eldest son, evermore tattling.
  15. Leonato
  16. 329 Then half Signior Benedick's tongue in Count John's mouth, and half
  17. 330 Count John's melancholy in Signior Benedick's face,—
  18. Beatrice
  19. 331 With a good leg and a good foot, uncle, and money enough in his purse,
  20. 332 such a man would win any woman in the world ifa' could get her good
  21. 333 will.
  22. Leonato
  23. 334 By my troth, niece, thou wilt never get thee a husband, if thou be
  24. 335 so shrewd of thy tongue.
  25. Antonio
  26. 336 In faith, she's too curst.
  27. Beatrice
  28. 337 Too curst is more than curst: I shall lessen God's sending that way;
  29. 338 for it is said, 'God sends a curst cow short horns;' but to a cow too
  30. 339 curst he sends none.
  31. Leonato
  32. 340 So, by being too curst, God will send you no horns?
  33. Beatrice
  34. 341 Just, if he send me no husband; for the which blessing I am at him
  35. 342 upon my knees every morning and evening. Lord! I could not endure a
  36. 343 husband with a beard on his face: I had rather lie in the woollen.
  37. Leonato
  38. 344 You may light on a husband that hath no beard.
  39. Beatrice
  40. 345 What should I do with him? dress him in my apparel and make him my
  41. 346 waiting-gentlewoman? He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and
  42. 347 he that hath no beard is less than a man; and he that is more than a
  43. 348 youth is not for me; and he that is less than a man, I am not for him:
  44. 349 therefore I will even take sixpence in earnest of the bear-ward, and
  45. 350 lead his apes into hell.
  46. Leonato
  47. 351 Well then, go you into hell?
  48. Beatrice
  49. 352 No; but to the gate; and there will the devil meet me, like an old
  50. 353 cuckold, with horns on his head, and say, 'Get you to heaven, Beatrice,
  51. 354 get you to heaven; here's no place for you maids: 'so deliver I up my
  52. 355 apes, and away to Saint Peter for the heavens; he shows me where the
  53. 356 bachelors sit, and there live we as merry as the day is long.
  54. [To Hero.]
  55. Antonio
  56. 357 Well, niece, I trust you will be ruled by your father.
  57. Beatrice
  58. 358 Yes, faith; it is my cousin's duty to make curtsy, and say,
  59. 359 'Father, as it please you:'— but yet for all that, cousin, let him
  60. 360 be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy, and say,
  61. 361 'Father, as it please me.'
  62. Leonato
  63. 362 Well, niece, I hope to see you one day fitted with a husband.
  64. Beatrice
  65. 363 Not till God make men of some other metal than earth. Would it not
  66. 364 grieve a woman to be over-mastered with a piece of valiant dust? to
  67. 365 make an account of her life to a clod of wayward marl? No, uncle,
  68. 366 I'll none: Adam's sons are my brethren; and truly, I hold it a sin
  69. 367 to match in my kinred.
  70. Leonato
  71. 368 Daughter, remember what I told you: if the prince do solicit you
  72. 369 in that kind, you know your answer.
  73. Beatrice
  74. 370 The fault will be in the music, cousin, if you be not wooed in good
  75. 371 time: if the prince be too important, tell him there is measure in
  76. 372 everything, and so dance out the answer. For, hear me, Hero: wooing,
  77. 373 wedding, and repenting is as a Scotch jig, a measure, and a cinque-
  78. 374 pace: the first suit is hot and hasty, like a Scotch jig, and full as
  79. 375 fantastical; the wedding, mannerly-modest, as a measure, full of state
  80. 376 and ancientry; and then comes Repentance, and with his bad legs, falls
  81. 377 into the cinque-pace faster and faster, till he sink into his grave.
  82. Leonato
  83. 378 Cousin, you apprehend passing shrewdly.
  84. Beatrice
  85. 379 I have a good eye, uncle: I can see a church by daylight.
  86. Leonato
  87. 380 The revellers are entering, brother: make good room.
  88. [Enter, DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, BALTHASAR, DON JOHN, BORACHIO, MARGARET, URSULA, and Others, masked.]
  89. Don Pedro
  90. 381 Lady, will you walk about with your friend?
  91. Hero
  92. 382 So you walk softly and look sweetly and say nothing, I am yours
  93. 383 for the walk; and especially when I walk away.
  94. Don Pedro
  95. 384 With me in your company?
  96. Hero
  97. 385 I may say so, when I please.
  98. Don Pedro
  99. 386 And when please you to say so?
  100. Hero
  101. 387 When I like your favour; for God defend the lute should be like
  102. 388 the case!
  103. Don Pedro
  104. 389 My visor is Philemon's roof; within the house is Jove.
  105. Hero
  106. 390 Why, then, your visor should be thatch'd.
  107. Don Pedro
  108. 391 Speak low, if you speak love.
  109. [Takes her aside.]
  110. Balthasar
  111. 392 Well, I would you did like me.
  112. Margaret
  113. 393 So would not I, for your own sake; for I have many ill qualities.
  114. Balthasar
  115. 394 Which is one?
  116. Margaret
  117. 395 I say my prayers aloud.
  118. Balthasar
  119. 396 I love you the better; the hearers may cry Amen.
  120. Margaret
  121. 397 God match me with a good dancer!
  122. Balthasar
  123. 398 Amen.
  124. Margaret
  125. 399 And God keep him out of my sight when the dance is done! Answer,
  126. 400 clerk.
  127. Balthasar
  128. 401 No more words: the clerk is answered.
  129. Ursula
  130. 402 I know you well enough: you are Signior Antonio.
  131. Antonio
  132. 403 At a word, I am not.
  133. Ursula
  134. 404 I know you by the waggling of your head.
  135. Antonio
  136. 405 To tell you true, I counterfeit him.
  137. Ursula
  138. 406 You could never do him so ill-well, unless you were the very man.
  139. 407 Here's his dry hand up and down: you are he, you are he.
  140. Antonio
  141. 408 At a word, I am not.
  142. Ursula
  143. 409 Come, come; do you think I do not know you by your excellent wit?
  144. 410 Can virtue hide itself? Go to, mum, you are he: graces will appear,
  145. 411 and there's an end.
  146. Beatrice
  147. 412 Will you not tell me who told you so?
  148. Benedick
  149. 413 No, you shall pardon me.
  150. Beatrice
  151. 414 Nor will you not tell me who you are?
  152. Benedick
  153. 415 Not now.
  154. Beatrice
  155. 416 That I was disdainful, and that I had my good wit out of the
  156. 417 'Hundred Merry Tales.' Well, this was Signior Benedick that said so.
  157. Benedick
  158. 418 What's he?
  159. Beatrice
  160. 419 I am sure you know him well enough.
  161. Benedick
  162. 420 Not I, believe me.
  163. Beatrice
  164. 421 Did he never make you laugh?
  165. Benedick
  166. 422 I pray you, what is he?
  167. Beatrice
  168. 423 Why, he is the prince's jester: a very dull fool; only his gift is
  169. 424 in devising impossible slanders: none but libertines delight in him;
  170. 425 and the commendation is not in his wit, but in his villany; for he
  171. 426 both pleases men and angers them, and then they laugh at him and beat
  172. 427 him. I am sure he is in the fleet: I would he had boarded me!
  173. Benedick
  174. 428 When I know the gentleman, I'll tell him what you say.
  175. Beatrice
  176. 429 Do, do: he'll but break a comparison or two on me; which,
  177. 430 peradventure not marked or not laughed at, strikes him into melancholy;
  178. 431 and then there's a partridge wing saved, for the fool will eat no
  179. 432 supper that night.
  180. [Music within.]
  181. Beatrice
  182. 433 We must follow the leaders.
  183. Benedick
  184. 434 In every good thing.
  185. Beatrice
  186. 435 Nay, if they lead to any ill, I will leave them at the next turning.
  187. [Dance. Then exeunt all but DON JOHN, BORACHIO, and CLAUDIO.]
  188. Don John
  189. 436 Sure my brother is amorous on Hero, and hath withdrawn her father
  190. 437 to break with him about it. The ladies follow her and but one visor
  191. 438 remains.
  192. Borachio
  193. 439 And that is Claudio: I know him by his bearing.
  194. Don John
  195. 440 Are you not Signior Benedick?
  196. Claudio
  197. 441 You know me well; I am he.
  198. Don John
  199. 442 Signior, you are very near my brother in his love: he is enamoured
  200. 443 on Hero; I pray you, dissuade him from her; she is no equal for his
  201. 444 birth: you may do the part of an honest man in it.
  202. Claudio
  203. 445 How know you he loves her?
  204. Don John
  205. 446 I heard him swear his affection.
  206. Borachio
  207. 447 So did I too; and he swore he would marry her to-night.
  208. Don John
  209. 448 Come, let us to the banquet.
  210. [Exeunt DON JOHN and BORACHIO.]
  211. Claudio
  212. 449 Thus answer I in name of Benedick,
  213. 450 But hear these ill news with the ears of Claudio.
  214. 451 'Tis certain so; the prince wooes for himself.
  215. 452 Friendship is constant in all other things
  216. 453 Save in the office and affairs of love:
  217. 454 herefore all hearts in love use their own tongues;
  218. 455 Let every eye negotiate for itself
  219. 456 And trust no agent; for beauty is a witch
  220. 457 Against whose charms faith melteth into blood.
  221. 458 This is an accident of hourly proof,
  222. 459 Which I mistrusted not. Farewell, therefore, Hero!
  223. [Re-enter Benedick.]
  224. Benedick
  225. 460 Count Claudio?
  226. Claudio
  227. 461 Yea, the same.
  228. Benedick
  229. 462 Come, will you go with me?
  230. Claudio
  231. 463 Whither?
  232. Benedick
  233. 464 Even to the next willow, about your own business, count. What fashion
  234. 465 will you wear the garland of? About your neck, like a usurer's chain?
  235. 466 or under your arm, like a lieutenant's scarf? You must wear it one way,
  236. 467 for the prince hath got your Hero.
  237. Claudio
  238. 468 I wish him joy of her.
  239. Benedick
  240. 469 Why, that's spoken like an honest drovier: so they sell bullocks.
  241. 470 But did you think the prince would have served you thus?
  242. Claudio
  243. 471 I pray you, leave me.
  244. Benedick
  245. 472 Ho! now you strike like the blind man: 'twas the boy that stole
  246. 473 your meat, and you'll beat the post.
  247. Claudio
  248. 474 If it will not be, I'll leave you.
  249. [Exit.]
  250. Benedick
  251. 475 Alas! poor hurt fowl. Now will he creep into sedges. But, that my
  252. 476 Lady Beatrice should know me, and not know me! The prince's fool! Ha!
  253. 477 it may be I go under that title because I am merry. Yea, but so I am
  254. 478 apt to do myself wrong; I am not so reputed: it is the base though
  255. 479 bitter disposition of Beatrice that puts the world into her person,
  256. 480 and so gives me out. Well, I'll be revenged as I may.
  257. [Re-enter Don Pedro.]
  258. Don Pedro
  259. 481 Now, signior, where's the count? Did you see him?
  260. Benedick
  261. 482 Troth, my lord, I have played the part of Lady Fame. I found him here
  262. 483 as melancholy as a lodge in a warren. I told him, and I think I told
  263. 484 him true, that your Grace had got the good will of this young lady;
  264. 485 and I offered him my company to a willow tree, either to make him a
  265. 486 garland, as being forsaken, or to bind him up a rod, as being worthy
  266. 487 to be whipped.
  267. Don Pedro
  268. 488 To be whipped! What's his fault?
  269. Benedick
  270. 489 The flat transgression of a school-boy, who, being overjoy'd with
  271. 490 finding a bird's nest, shows it his companion, and he steals it.
  272. Don Pedro
  273. 491 Wilt thou make a trust a transgression? The transgression is in
  274. 492 the stealer.
  275. Benedick
  276. 493 Yet it had not been amiss the rod had been made, and the garland too;
  277. 494 for the garland he might have worn himself, and the rod he might have
  278. 495 bestowed on you, who, as I take it, have stolen his bird's nest.
  279. Don Pedro
  280. 496 I will but teach them to sing, and restore them to the owner.
  281. Benedick
  282. 497 If their singing answer your saying, by my faith, you say honestly.
  283. Don Pedro
  284. 498 The Lady Beatrice hath a quarrel to you: the gentleman that danced
  285. 499 with her told her she is much wronged by you.
  286. Benedick
  287. 500 O! she misused me past the endurance of a block: an oak but with one
  288. 501 green leaf on it, would have answered her: my very visor began to
  289. 502 assume life and scold with her. She told me, not thinking I had been
  290. 503 myself, that I was the prince's jester, that I was duller than a great
  291. 504 thaw; huddling jest upon jest with such impossible conveyance upon me,
  292. 505 that I stood like a man at a mark, with a whole army shooting at me.
  293. 506 She speaks poniards, and every word stabs: if her breath were as
  294. 507 terrible as her terminations, there were no living near her; she would
  295. 508 infect to the north star. I would not marry her, though she were
  296. 509 endowed with all that Adam had left him before he transgressed: she
  297. 510 would have made Hercules have turned spit, yea, and have cleft his club
  298. 511 to make the fire too. Come, talk not of her; you shall find her the
  299. 512 infernal Ate in good apparel. I would to God some scholar would conjure
  300. 513 her, for certainly, while she is here, a man may live as quiet in hell
  301. 514 as in a sanctuary; and people sin upon purpose because they would go
  302. 515 thither; so indeed, all disquiet, horror and perturbation follow her.
  303. [Re-enter CLAUDIO, BEATRICE, HERO, and LEONATO.]
  304. Don Pedro
  305. 516 Look! here she comes.
  306. Benedick
  307. 517 Will your Grace command me any service to the world's end? I will go
  308. 518 on the slightest errand now to the Antipodes that you can devise to
  309. 519 send me on; I will fetch you a toothpicker now from the furthest inch
  310. 520 of Asia; bring you the length of Prester John's foot; fetch you a hair
  311. 521 off the Great Cham's beard; do you any embassage to the Pygmies,
  312. 522 rather than hold three words' conference with this harpy. You have no
  313. 523 employment for me?
  314. Don Pedro
  315. 524 None, but to desire your good company.
  316. Benedick
  317. 525 O God, sir, here's a dish I love not: I cannot endure my Lady Tongue.
  318. [Exit.]
  319. Don Pedro
  320. 526 Come, lady, come; you have lost the heart of Signior Benedick.
  321. Beatrice
  322. 527 Indeed, my lord, he lent it me awhile; and I gave him use for it, a
  323. 528 double heart for a single one: marry, once before he won it of me with
  324. 529 false dice, therefore your Grace may well say I have lost it.
  325. Don Pedro
  326. 530 You have put him down, lady, you have put him down.
  327. Beatrice
  328. 531 So I would not he should do me, my lord, lest I should prove the mother
  329. 532 of fools. I have brought Count Claudio, whom you sent me to seek.
  330. Don Pedro
  331. 533 Why, how now, count! wherefore are you sad?
  332. Claudio
  333. 534 Not sad, my lord.
  334. Don Pedro
  335. 535 How then? Sick?
  336. Claudio
  337. 536 Neither, my lord.
  338. Beatrice
  339. 537 The count is neither sad, nor sick, nor merry, nor well; but civil
  340. 538 count, civil as an orange, and something of that jealous complexion.
  341. Don Pedro
  342. 539 I' faith, lady, I think your blazon to be true; though, I'll be sworn,
  343. 540 if he be so, his conceit is false. Here, Claudio, I have wooed in thy
  344. 541 name, and fair Hero is won; I have broke with her father, and, his good
  345. 542 will obtained; name the day of marriage, and God give thee joy!
  346. Leonato
  347. 543 Count, take of me my daughter, and with her my fortunes: his
  348. 544 Grace hath made the match, and all grace say Amen to it!
  349. Beatrice
  350. 545 Speak, Count, 'tis your cue.
  351. Claudio
  352. 546 Silence is the perfectest herald of joy: I were but little happy, if I
  353. 547 could say how much. Lady, as you are mine, I am yours: I give away myself for
  354. 548 you and dote upon the exchange.
  355. Beatrice
  356. 549 Speak, cousin; or, if you cannot, stop his mouth with a kiss, and let
  357. 550 not him speak neither.
  358. Don Pedro
  359. 551 In faith, lady, you have a merry heart.
  360. Beatrice
  361. 552 Yea, my lord; I thank it, poor fool, it keeps on the windy side of care.
  362. 553 My cousin tells him in his ear that he is in her heart.
  363. Claudio
  364. 554 And so she doth, cousin.
  365. Beatrice
  366. 555 Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes every one to the world but I, and I
  367. 556 am sunburnt. I may sit in a corner and cry heigh-ho for a husband!
  368. Don Pedro
  369. 557 Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.
  370. Beatrice
  371. 558 I would rather have one of your father's getting. Hath your Grace ne'er
  372. 559 a brother like you? Your father got excellent husbands, if a maid could
  373. 560 come by them.
  374. Don Pedro
  375. 561 Will you have me, lady?
  376. Beatrice
  377. 562 No, my lord, unless I might have another for working days: your Grace
  378. 563 is too costly to wear every day. But, I beseech your Grace, pardon me;
  379. 564 I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.
  380. Don Pedro
  381. 565 Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best becomes you; for out
  382. 566 of question, you were born in a merry hour.
  383. Beatrice
  384. 567 No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then there was a star danced,
  385. 568 and under that was I born. Cousins, God give you joy!
  386. Leonato
  387. 569 Niece, will you look to those things I told you of?
  388. Beatrice
  389. 570 I cry you mercy, uncle. By your Grace's pardon.
  390. [Exit.]
  391. Don Pedro
  392. 571 By my troth, a pleasant spirited lady.
  393. Leonato
  394. 572 There's little of the melancholy element in her, my lord: she is never
  395. 573 sad but when she sleeps; and not ever sad then, for I have heard my
  396. 574 daughter say, she hath often dreamed of unhappiness and waked herself
  397. 575 with laughing.
  398. Don Pedro
  399. 576 She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband.
  400. Leonato
  401. 577 O! by no means: she mocks all her wooers out of suit.
  402. Don Pedro
  403. 578 She were an excellent wife for Benedick.
  404. Leonato
  405. 579 O Lord! my lord, if they were but a week married, they would talk
  406. 580 themselves mad.
  407. Don Pedro
  408. 581 Count Claudio, when mean you to go to church?
  409. Claudio
  410. 582 To-morrow, my lord. Time goes on crutches till love have all his rites.
  411. Leonato
  412. 583 Not till Monday, my dear son, which is hence a just seven-night; and a
  413. 584 time too brief too, to have all things answer my mind.
  414. Don Pedro
  415. 585 Come, you shake the head at so long a breathing; but, I warrant thee,
  416. 586 Claudio, the time shall not go dully by us. I will in the interim
  417. 587 undertake one of Hercules' labours, which is, to bring Signior Benedick
  418. 588 and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of affection the one with the
  419. 589 other. I would fain have it a match; and I doubt not but to fashion it,
  420. 590 if you three will but minister such assistance as I shall give you
  421. 591 direction.
  422. Leonato
  423. 592 My lord, I am for you, though it cost me ten nights' watchings.
  424. Claudio
  425. 593 And I, my lord.
  426. Don Pedro
  427. 594 And you too, gentle Hero?
  428. Hero
  429. 595 I will do any modest office, my lord, to help my cousin to a good
  430. 596 husband.
  431. Don Pedro
  432. 597 And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that I know. Thus far
  433. 598 can I praise him; he is of a noble strain, of approved valour, and
  434. 599 confirmed honesty. I will teach you how to humour your cousin, that
  435. 600 she shall fall in love with Benedick; and I, with your two helps, will
  436. 601 so practise on Benedick that, in despite of his quick wit and his
  437. 602 queasy stomach, he shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do
  438. 603 this, Cupid is no longer an archer: his glory shall be ours, for we
  439. 604 are the only love-gods. Go in with me, and I will tell you my drift.
  440. [Exeunt.]