Shakespeare Portal

Act 5, Scene 4

The palace yard.

  1. [Noise and tumult within. Enter Porter and his Man.]
  2. Porter
  3. 3060 You'll leave your noise anon, ye rascals; do you take
  4. 3061 the court for Paris-garden? Ye rude slaves, leave your gaping.
  5. [Within.]
  6. A Voice
  7. 3062 Good master porter, I belong to the larder.
  8. Porter
  9. 3063 Belong to the gallows, and be hang'd, ye rogue! Is this
  10. 3064 a place to roar in? Fetch me a dozen crab-tree staves, and strong
  11. 3065 ones; these are but switches to 'em. I'll scratch your heads. You
  12. 3066 must be seeing christenings? Do you look for ale and cakes here,
  13. 3067 you rude rascals?
  14. Porter's Man
  15. 3068 Pray, sir, be patient. 'Tis as much impossible—
  16. 3069 Unless we sweep 'em from the door with cannons—
  17. 3070 To scatter 'em, as 'tis to make 'em sleep
  18. 3071 On May-day morning; which will never be.
  19. 3072 We may as well push against Paul's, as stir 'em.
  20. Porter
  21. 3073 How got they in, and be hang'd?
  22. Porter's Man
  23. 3074 Alas, I know not: how gets the tide in?
  24. 3075 As much as one sound cudgel of four foot—
  25. 3076 You see the poor remainder—could distribute,
  26. 3077 I made no spare, sir.
  27. Porter
  28. 3078 You did nothing, sir.
  29. Porter's Man
  30. 3079 I am not Samson, nor Sir Guy, nor Colbrand,
  31. 3080 To mow 'em down before me; but if I spar'd any
  32. 3081 That had a head to hit, either young or old,
  33. 3082 He or she, cuckold or cuckold-maker,
  34. 3083 Let me ne'er hope to see a chine again;
  35. 3084 And that I would not for a cow, God save her!
  36. [Within.]
  37. A Voice
  38. 3085 Do you hear, master porter?
  39. Porter
  40. 3086 I shall be with you presently, good master puppy.—
  41. 3087 Keep the door close, sirrah.
  42. Porter's Man
  43. 3088 What would you have me do?
  44. Porter
  45. 3089 What should you do, but knock 'em down by the dozens? Is this
  46. 3090 Moorfields to muster in? Or have we some strange Indian with the
  47. 3091 great tool come to court, the women so besiege us? Bless me, what
  48. 3092 a fry of fornication is at door! On my Christian conscience, this
  49. 3093 one christening will beget a thousand; here will be father,
  50. 3094 godfather, and all together.
  51. Porter's Man
  52. 3095 The spoons will be the bigger, sir. There is a fellow somewhat
  53. 3096 near the door, he should be a brazier by his face, for, o' my
  54. 3097 conscience, twenty of the dog-days now reign in's nose; all that
  55. 3098 stand about him are under the line, they need no other penance:
  56. 3099 that fire-drake did I hit three times on the head, and three
  57. 3100 times was his nose discharged against me; he stands there, like a
  58. 3101 mortar-piece, to blow us. There was a haberdasher's wife of
  59. 3102 small wit near him, that rail'd upon me till her pink'd porringer
  60. 3103 fell off her head, for kindling such a combustion in the state. I
  61. 3104 miss'd the meteor once, and hit that woman; who cried out
  62. 3105 "Clubs!" when I might see from far some forty truncheoners draw
  63. 3106 to her succour, which were the hope o' the Strand, where she was
  64. 3107 quartered. They fell on; I made good my place; at length they
  65. 3108 came to the broomstaff to me; I defied 'em still; when suddenly a
  66. 3109 file of boys behind 'em, loose shot, deliver'd such a shower of
  67. 3110 pebbles, that I was fain to draw mine honour in, and let 'em win
  68. 3111 the work. The devil was amongst 'em, I think, surely.
  69. Porter
  70. 3112 These are the youths that thunder at a playhouse, and fight for
  71. 3113 bitten apples; that no audience but the tribulation of Tower-hill
  72. 3114 or the limbs of Limehouse, their dear brothers, are able to
  73. 3115 endure. I have some of 'em in Limbo Patrum, and there they are
  74. 3116 like to dance these three days; besides the running banquet of
  75. 3117 two beadles that is to come.
  76. [Enter Lord Chamberlain.]
  77. Lord Chamberlain
  78. 3118 Mercy o' me, what a multitude are here!
  79. 3119 They grow still too; from all parts they are coming
  80. 3120 As if we kept a fair here! Where are these porters,
  81. 3121 These lazy knaves? Ye have made a fine hand, fellows.
  82. 3122 There's a trim rabble let in. Are all these
  83. 3123 Your faithful friends o' the suburbs? We shall have
  84. 3124 Great store of room, no doubt, left for the ladies,
  85. 3125 When they pass back from the christening.
  86. Porter
  87. 3126 An't please your honour,
  88. 3127 We are but men; and what so many may do,
  89. 3128 Not being torn a-pieces, we have done.
  90. 3129 An army cannot rule 'em.
  91. Lord Chamberlain
  92. 3130 As I live,
  93. 3131 If the King blame me for't, I'll lay ye all
  94. 3132 By the heels, and suddenly; and on your heads
  95. 3133 Clap round fines for neglect. Ye're lazy knaves;
  96. 3134 And here ye lie baiting of bombards, when
  97. 3135 Ye should do service. Hark! the trumpets sound;
  98. 3136 They're come already from the christening.
  99. 3137 Go, break among the press, and find a way out
  100. 3138 To let the troops pass fairly; or I'll find
  101. 3139 A Marshalsea shall hold ye play these two months.
  102. Porter
  103. 3140 Make way there for the princess.
  104. Porter's Man
  105. 3141 You great fellow,
  106. 3142 Stand close up, or I'll make your head ache.
  107. Porter
  108. 3143 You i' the camlet, get up o' the rail;
  109. 3144 I'll peck you o'er the pales else.
  110. [Exeunt.]