Act 3, Scene 1

The same.

[Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, DROMIO OF EPHESUS, ANGELO, and BALTHAZAR.]
Antipholus of Ephesus
588 Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all.
589 My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:
590 Say that I linger'd with you at your shop
591 To see the making of her carcanet,
592 And that to-morrow you will bring it home.
593 But here's a villain that would face me down.
594 He met me on the mart; and that I beat him,
595 And charg'd him with a thousand marks in gold;
596 And that I did deny my wife and house:—
597 Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
Dromio of Ephesus
598 Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know:
599 That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show;
600 If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
601 Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.
Antipholus of Ephesus
602 I think thou art an ass.
Dromio of Ephesus
603 Marry, so it doth appear
604 By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
605 I should kick, being kick'd; and being at that pass,
606 You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.
Antipholus of Ephesus
607 You are sad, Signior Balthazar; pray God our cheer
608 May answer my good will and your good welcome here.
Balthazar
609 I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.
Antipholus of Ephesus
610 O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
611 A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.
Balthazar
612 Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
Antipholus of Ephesus
613 And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.
Balthazar
614 Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
Antipholus of Ephesus
615 Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.
616 But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;
617 Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
618 But, soft; my door is lock'd: go bid them let us in.
Dromio of Ephesus
619 Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Jen!
[Within]
Dromio of Syracuse
620 Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
621 Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch:
622 Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st for such store,
623 When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.
Dromio of Ephesus
624 What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.
Dromio of Syracuse
625 Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on's feet.
Antipholus of Ephesus
626 Who talks within there? Ho, open the door!
Dromio of Syracuse
627 Right, sir; I'll tell you when an you'll tell me wherefore.
Antipholus of Ephesus
628 Wherefore! For my dinner: I have not dined to-day.
Dromio of Syracuse
629 Nor to-day here you must not; come again when you may.
Antipholus of Ephesus
630 What art thou that keep'st me out from the house I owe?
Dromio of Syracuse
631 The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.
Dromio of Ephesus
632 O villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name;
633 The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
634 If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,
635 Thou wouldst have chang'd thy face for a name, or thy name for an
636 ass.
[Within.]
Luce (Nell)
637 What a coil is there! Dromio, who are those at the
638 gate?
Dromio of Ephesus
639 Let my master in, Luce.
Luce (Nell)
640 Faith, no, he comes too late;
641 And so tell your master.
Dromio of Ephesus
642 O Lord, I must laugh;—
643 Have at you with a proverb:—Shall I set in my staff?
Luce (Nell)
644 Have at you with another: that's—When? can you tell?
Dromio of Syracuse
645 If thy name be called Luce,—Luce, thou hast answer'd him well.
Antipholus of Ephesus
646 Do you hear, you minion? you'll let us in, I hope?
Luce (Nell)
647 I thought to have ask'd you.
Dromio of Syracuse
648 And you said no.
Dromio of Ephesus
649 So, Come, help: well struck; there was blow for blow.
Antipholus of Ephesus
650 Thou baggage, let me in.
Luce (Nell)
651 Can you tell for whose sake?
Dromio of Ephesus
652 Master, knock the door hard.
Luce (Nell)
653 Let him knock till it ache.
Antipholus of Ephesus
654 You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.
Luce (Nell)
655 What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
[Within.]
Adriana
656 Who is that at the door, that keeps all this noise?
Dromio of Syracuse
657 By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.
Antipholus of Ephesus
658 Are you there, wife? you might have come before.
Adriana
659 Your wife, sir knave! go, get you from the door.
Dromio of Ephesus
660 If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore.
Angelo
661 Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would fain have
662 either.
Balthazar
663 In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.
Dromio of Ephesus
664 They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.
Antipholus of Ephesus
665 There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.
Dromio of Ephesus
666 You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
667 Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold:
668 It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.
Antipholus of Ephesus
669 Go, fetch me something, I'll break ope the gate.
Dromio of Syracuse
670 Break any breaking here, and I'll break your knave's pate.
Dromio of Ephesus
671 A man may break a word with you, sir; and words are but wind;
672 Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.
Dromio of Syracuse
673 It seems thou want'st breaking; out upon thee, hind!
Dromio of Ephesus
674 Here's too much out upon thee: I pray thee, let me in.
Dromio of Syracuse
675 Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.
Antipholus of Ephesus
676 Well, I'll break in; go borrow me a crow.
Dromio of Ephesus
677 A crow without feather; master, mean you so?
678 For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather:
679 If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together.
Antipholus of Ephesus
680 Go, get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.
Balthazar
681 Have patience, sir: O, let it not be so:
682 Herein you war against your reputation,
683 And draw within the compass of suspect
684 The unviolated honour of your wife.
685 Once this,—your long experience of her wisdom,
686 Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,
687 Plead on her part some cause to you unknown;
688 And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
689 Why at this time the doors are made against you.
690 Be rul'd by me; depart in patience,
691 And let us to the Tiger all to dinner:
692 And, about evening, come yourself alone,
693 To know the reason of this strange restraint.
694 If by strong hand you offer to break in,
695 Now in the stirring passage of the day,
696 A vulgar comment will be made of it;
697 And that supposed by the common rout
698 Against your yet ungalled estimation
699 That may with foul intrusion enter in,
700 And dwell upon your grave when you are dead:
701 For slander lives upon succession,
702 For ever hous'd where it gets possession.
Antipholus of Ephesus
703 You have prevail'd. I will depart in quiet,
704 And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
705 I know a wench of excellent discourse,—
706 Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle;—
707 There will we dine: this woman that I mean,
708 My wife,—but, I protest, without desert,—
709 Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal;
710 To her will we to dinner.—Get you home
711 And fetch the chain: by this I know 'tis made:
712 Bring it, I pray you, to the Porcupine;
713 For there's the house; that chain will I bestow,—
714 Be it for nothing but to spite my wife,—
715 Upon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste:
716 Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
717 I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me.
Angelo
718 I'll meet you at that place some hour hence.
Antipholus of Ephesus
719 Do so; this jest shall cost me some expense.
[Exeunt.]

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Notes

TLN 591archaic vocab
“making of her carcanet”
A carcanet (also spelled 'carkanet') is an ornamental necklace or collar, usually of gold, often set with gems. Antipholus of Ephesus has commissioned Angelo the goldsmith to make one for Adriana. The same word appears in Shakespeare's Sonnets. The gold chain made by Angelo becomes the play's central object of confusion: delivered to the wrong Antipholus, it triggers the arrest and deepens the farce.
TLN 595cultural context
“thousand marks in gold”
A mark was an English and continental unit of account worth two-thirds of a pound sterling (13 shillings and 4 pence). A thousand marks was a very large sum — roughly equivalent to several years' income for a prosperous tradesman. Antipholus is accusing Dromio of Syracuse of falsely claiming, on behalf of an unknown master, that Antipholus owed that staggering amount and had beaten the servant. The sum signals that real stakes, not petty change, are at issue.
TLN 599wordplay
“I have your hand to show”
Dromio of Ephesus is punning on 'hand': it means both (1) a handwriting-signature, the usual legal proof of authorship, and (2) the physical hand that struck him. His next two lines extend the conceit: if his skin were parchment (the writing material of legal documents) and the blows were ink, then Antipholus's 'handwriting' — the bruises his fist left — would be his own self-incriminating record. The joke turns a beating into a document.
TLN 620archaic vocab
“Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch”
Dromio of Syracuse flings a volley of insults at his twin through the locked door. 'Mome' is an Elizabethan word for a blockhead or fool. A 'malt-horse' is the heavy dray-horse that turned the mill to grind malt — proverbial for dull, plodding stupidity. A 'capon' is a castrated rooster, implying cowardice and worthlessness. A 'coxcomb' is literally a jester's cap shaped like a cock's comb — so, by extension, a conceited fool. 'Patch' was another word for a fool or court jester (from the patched coat jesters wore).
TLN 637archaic vocab
“What a coil is there”
'Coil' means a noisy commotion, a fuss, or a disturbance. When Luce (Nell) asks 'What a coil is there,' she means: what is all this racket at the gate? The word is common in Shakespeare for chaotic uproar — Hamlet's 'shuffling off this mortal coil' uses the same word to mean the turmoil of earthly life.
TLN 668archaic vocab
“make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold”
Two idioms here: 'mad as a buck' is a proverbial phrase for wild anger — male deer (bucks) were thought especially frantic in rutting season. 'Bought and sold' means deceived, betrayed, or made a fool of — as if one's interests had been traded away by a cheat. Dromio of Ephesus is saying it would drive any man wild to be cheated out of his own house in plain daylight.
TLN 671wordplay
“break a word with you, sir; and words are but wind”
Dromio of Ephesus and his twin exchange three meanings of 'break' in rapid succession. 'Break a word' = have a few words of conversation (a common phrase). 'Break it in your face' = literally strike you in the face — and, with 'wind,' to break wind (fart) in your face. Dromio of Syracuse counters that the other 'wants breaking' — needs to be tamed/beaten — and calls him a 'hind' (a farm servant or deer). The exchange is a classic Dromio pun-chain, running a single word through several incompatible senses.
TLN 683archaic vocab
“draw within the compass of suspect”
Balthazar urges Antipholus of Ephesus not to force his way into his own house because doing so in broad daylight will drag 'the unviolated honour of your wife' within 'the compass of suspect' — that is, within the range or circle of suspicion. 'Compass' here means scope, circumference, or range. Later he warns against the 'yet ungalled estimation' — an 'estimation' is reputation, and 'ungalled' means unwounded, still unscarred. Balthazar's argument is that rumors, once started, outlive the people they wound.
TLN 712cultural context
“to the Porcupine”
The Porcupine is an inn or tavern in Ephesus — the place where Antipholus of Ephesus plans to dine with the Courtesan instead of at home. Elizabethan taverns and inns were routinely named after animals (real or exotic), and a 'porcupine' was an exotic beast associated, in the popular imagination, with firing its quills like arrows — apt enough for a man in a spiky mood after being locked out of his own house. The Tiger, mentioned by Balthazar two lines earlier (line 691), is the other named inn of the play.